


all in all is all we are

by Plantqueen13



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Catra doesn't know how to handle them, Catra's trying to be a better person but she's got so many issues she does it the wroooooong way, F/F, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of Angst, Post-Canon, but still angst, implied sexual stuff, there are still lots of people resentful about the Horde as they should be
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27220972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plantqueen13/pseuds/Plantqueen13
Summary: It makes sense, then, that Catra keeps looking for ways to prove her loyalty, to earn her keep, even though Glimmer’s queendom is already one of peace and Adora’s faith in Catra is apparently unwavering. She’s best friends with the Queen and she loves her most esteemed Knight, how’s that for proving her loyalty?Very early on in the aftermath of the end of the world, she discovers that it’s not enough.or,Almost everyone forgives Catra. That's not enough for her.(title from Nirvana's All Apologies)
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), blink and you might miss it Castaspella/Juliet
Comments: 14
Kudos: 87





	all in all is all we are

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first time writing fanfiction for this fandom and this is an idea that kept going around in my head ever since the last season premiered which means that tormented!Catra's been literally haunting me for months! Hope y'all enjoy!

They win the war. In every single timeline, on every single path, no matter the shapes and ways time and space warp and twist around them, the war is won and Horde Prime is dead. They shouldn’t know that, and there’s really no way for them to know that, not as hard cold facts, not as a certainty, not even as a hunch. Sometimes Catra dies one more time, and Adora catches her and breathes life into their first kiss and- sometimes it’s not their first kiss, not by far, but it’s the only one that glows and shifts the atoms of molecules and the fabric of time and ultimately saves the universe. But they can’t know that for the same reason humans can’t see the future or magicats’ lives stop at nine- because some things are according to the universe’s arbitrary whims and that’s just the way they should be. Some things are simply not to be messed with, no matter what penchant for heroics or historicity one might have. Keep that in mind, keep that close to your heart, and it might help you in the future. It would have certainly helped  _ her _ , but alas. 

I digress. 

They win _every._ _single._ _time._ and after all is said and done, after all the bloodshed and the fighting and the unbearable pain, it is Catra who wants to do _more_ , to leave no stone unturned, to right every possible wrong outcome. It’s not She-Ra, and it’s not sweet, conflicted Glimmer. It’s Catra who wants to go to the edge of all worlds and _try_. Over the course of infinity, I’ve watched her- after all, in every single timeline she saves Etheria by sacrificing herself in order to save Glimmer, the original act of penance, the first step to redemption, and you’ll have to forgive me for my favoritism- but after all this time, she surprises me one last (as last as these things could be) time: I’ve never pegged Catra for a fool. And yet.

And yet, she risks everything to try and save  _ me _ , of all people.

.

The aftermath of a war is surprisingly  _ noisy _ , Catra thinks with a grimace. There’s  _ so many _ celebratory parties and the constant sound of Bow’s attempt at playing that godforsaken lute follows her through all the hallways on Brightmoon. There’s a lot of screaming, as well, most on her part  _ and _ Adora’s (not like that, don’t be crass. Catra’s an overall quiet person, thank you very much), the nightmares shifting in intensity over the course of the days and subsequent weeks. Sometimes, she wakes up with the cool blade of She-Ra’s sword pressed against her neck and those times she hugs a limp Adora who cries and cries and cries and she whispers on blonde hair soothing words like  _ it’s okay _ ,  _ i know you didn’t mean to _ ,  _ i love you so much _ and absolutely drowns on Adora’s constant stream of sobbed apologies. On other days, there’s skin and blood under her claws, and her eyes are pinpricks as she claws her way through the bedsheets, through their pillows, through Adora herself, but eventually strong, bloodied, scarred arms wrap around her and Adora doesn’t say anything so Catra doesn’t bother apologizing (because Adora  _ knows _ , she always knows) and instead Catra shivers and curls and tightens inside Adora’s embrace and sometimes Adora thinks they’re never getting up again. 

Glimmer also screams. Albeit differently.

She barks orders, commands and instructions left and right and Catra takes comfort on that because Catra strives to have some authority and order in her life, and she would never be caught alive admitting to find Glimmer’s shrieks oddly comforting, but it doesn’t change the fact that she does. She may have a penchant for anarchy, but her whims are those of someone used to lost causes, who rebels against something because they know nothing’s going to change, so she puts on a show, puts up a fight, but hierarchy helps her understand this new world better, helps her read social situations that she once never would’ve been able to. She thrives under that. Adora does, too. It’s the Horde’s way, that’s just how it is. It makes sense, then, that Catra keeps looking for ways to prove her loyalty, to earn her keep, even though Glimmer’s queendom is already one of peace and Adora’s faith in Catra is apparently unwavering. She’s best friends with the Queen and she loves her most esteemed Knight, how’s that for proving her loyalty?

Very early on in the aftermath of the end of the world, she discovers that it’s not enough.

.

“Hey, you’re Catra, right?” Someone not so younger than her calls after she walks into some town or the other to supervise the rebuilding process. She can see Adora surrounded by young kids, and she smiles fondly when her girlfriend turns into She-Ra to their endless amusement, but quickly turns her attention to the kid who’s staring at her intently.

“Yeah. So?”

She sees the punch coming from a mile away, but stands rooted in her place.

“You Horde assholes destroyed my home. I don’t care if you’re besties with the Queen, but I’ll  _ never _ forgive you!” The vitriol in his voice quickly fades as he feels the throbbing of his fist and realizes what he’s done. Sending a nervous glance towards Adora, still too far away and too engrossed with the kids around her, the boy opens and closes his mouth before turning and running away.

Catra simply stands there and raises a tentative hand to her already bruising chin.

It could’ve been worse.

It should’ve been worse.

She presses her claws on the bruise and grits her teeth.

.

“... and obviously no one knows what is inside of blackholes, or even where do they lead, so we could be talking about different dimensions, endless vortexes of antimatter, parallel worlds, just a general lot of untapped energy flowing chaotically with no conduits! It’s basically paradise!”

Entrapta’s on a roll and her eyes are sparking and even though her voice is a bit too loud for everyone’s comfort, they all indulge her, because there are no war meetings to rush to, no Horde Prime threatening to destroy everything, and they can finally have the luxury to have hobbies, to have pointless conversations about paradoxes and blackholes and whatever comes to their minds.

“Hey, ‘Trapta, you sayin’ that if there’s a conduit thingy one can  _ hypothetically _ channel all that energy towards, say, some other point in space?”

When Entrapta’s eyes sparkle happily and she launches into another full length explanation while Catra lazily chews on her food and tries her best to keep up with the response she warranted, Adora gives the brunette a playful shove and a tender grin.

“I see what you’re doing.” The blonde whispers by her side. Catra raises an eyebrow but smiles nonetheless.

“Yeah, and what is that?”

“You’re being kind. Kinder than anyone else is being, for sure.” She looks to the bored faces around the table who look like they can’t wait for the science lecture to end. There’s just so much indulging one can take, it seems.

“Nah, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She rests her head on Adora’s shoulder as Entrapta walks them over hypothetical interdimensional traveling.

.

Adora lies on their bed covered only by the silver of the moonlight who spreads on her torso and the lazy claw that draws constellations between her breasts and everything feels  _ perfect _ . She doesn’t comment on the frown that frames Catra’s face, or the tense way in which her tail seems to rest between their bodies, because she trusts Catra to talk to her first. Long were the days where she would have to prod and poke and insist and beg for a glimpse into Catra’s thoughts, for a moment of Catra’s honesty. Or so she thought. The magicat doesn’t speak, not for a long time. Instead, she lets her claws drag lightly over taut muscles and ivory skin and feels in her bones as Adora’s blue eyes follow her ministrations, and then her mismatched eyes, the way her hair seems to be growing faster by the minute, until Adora’s eyelids start to weigh and she doesn’t even notice when she’d fallen back into slumber.

.

“Catra would you  _ please _ give me my lute back?!” She hears Bow’s voice echoing distantly down the hallway, but she’d already put a lot of space between them, taking turns and twists she didn’t usually do, the offending instrument safely slotted between her arms and chest as she cackles and runs down Brightmoon’s halls.

As soon as she takes another turn she stumbles into a scene she immediately  _ knows  _ she’s not supposed to be a part of.

Castaspella is being held up by General Juliet’s strong arms and they look almost like one of those old, dramatic paintings Bow’s dads seem so fond of. They’re framed by gigantic murals representing all of Brightmoon’s history, and Catra almost blushes thinking she had intruded on an  _ intimate _ moment when she realizes that what she pegged for pleasant moaning was in reality plain  _ sobbing _ .

The captain of the guard maintains a stoic position, even apparently away from her duties, even embracing an inconsolable lover, she stands tall and strong and Catra holds her stolen lute closer to her chest with baited breath as the sobs rake through Castaspella’s body.

“I just- I just miss  _ her _ so much.”

“I know, love, I know.”

Catra doesn’t stay around any longer. She doesn’t need to. 

She only notices the broken lute in her hands when she’s far away from those murals and feels wood splinters digging painfully into her hands. Minor lacerations, at best.

It could’ve been worse.

It should’ve been worse.

She puts pressure on them and grits her teeth.

.

  
  
  
  
  


The next morning Catra presents herself at the throne room with a rigid posture and fidgety hands that betray her soldier-like demeanor. Glimmer doesn’t notice, too busy with the mountain of paperwork that surrounds her.

“I heard you’re sending another mission out there.” Catra says as means of a greeting, trying to sound nonchalant about her curiosity.

“Uh? Oh, hi Catra.” She answers, briefly looking up from her papers and offering a tired smile. The girl looked older, and the bags under her eyes were a testament to what it took to keep a kingdom - scratch that, a whole  _ planet _ \- in order after the end of the world. “Yes, there’s a diplomatic trip scheduled for next month, with- Wait, it’s around here somewhere-” She picks up and lets fall different reports around her until she finally finds what she was looking for with a triumphant  _ Aha! _ “Mermista and Entrapta! Yes, they’re the ones who will be going to…” She squints her eyes as she tries to make out her own messy handwriting. “Planet Mantennia! Why?”

“I want in.” She shrugs before crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against one of the pillars, the very aspect of calm and collected.

Glimmer doesn’t buy it.

“You just got back with Adora from the moons of chastity-”

“ _ Chatestea _ .” Catra corrects. Glimmer ignores it.

“And you wanna go back to outer space to bring magic back to-” Glimmer flips another page on her report and raises an eyebrow towards Catra. “A _ water _ planet?!”

“Yes” But it comes as more of an interrogation than anything else, because for all of Catra’s messy planning of the stupid half-idea that had been forming in her head, she didn’t take into consideration the fact that she’d have to convince Glimmer to let her go to a mission to a fucking water planet.

“You’re full of shit.” Glimmer declares, and Catra can’t help but agree.

“Look- When we were on the chastity moons-” The brunette starts, but can’t suppress the surprised laugh that escapes her lips when Glimmer corrects her with a mocking ‘ _ Chatestea _ ’ “When we were there, we started talking about- Stuff. Commitment stuff.” She risks a calculated glance towards the Queen, hoping Glimmer buys her lies.

“Oh. Spirits! You’re proposing! That’s what it is, isn’t it? You want to propose and you want to find a beautiful mythical magical alien rock from outer space to do it with because you guys found each other in the middle of the stars and Adora told me once that everytime she looked into the sky she thought about you and how you guys used to stargaze together and that was the sappiest thing she ever told me about you two before you did the whole saving the universe thing and- Catra! Were you planning to hijack an important diplomatic mission just to do a romantic gesture?!”

Catra blinks, stunned by the amount of words that just left Glimmer’s mouth. She managed to create a more believable story than Catra ever could. She wonders briefly if Adora also expects that of her. An alien rock. Commitment stuff. Is that why her lie was so believable? Because it made that much sense? There was no time to wonder about that, she had a spaceship to hijack and a shitty course of action. Flabbergasted, she nods in agreement.

“Um. Yes?”

And as Glimmer’s smile widens, the pit on Catra’s stomach does too.

.

Darla knows something is wrong the minute Catra runs inside the ship and leaves Entrapta and Mermista unconscious by the docking bay. Soon, everyone will know too, and she can already hear the whispers that will be tossed around.

_ It was only a matter of time before she turned on us. _

_ I knew we couldn’t trust her. _

_ Horde scum _ .

Adora probably would stop them from saying the worst things.

There were worse things to be said about her.

There  _ should  _ be worse things said about her.

She grips the ship’s controls until her palms blister and grits her teeth.

**Author's Note:**

> There's going to be one more chapter which is gonna be a tad bit darker and sadder but everything's gonna be answered! I'm still super insecure about this so any and all comments will be very much appreciated!


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